


Fix It!

by toxic_corn



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-19
Updated: 2011-06-19
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9230711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxic_corn/pseuds/toxic_corn
Summary: After a mishap with chewing tobacco, Mal orders Jayne to "fix it."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://fluties-flake.livejournal.com/profile)[fluties_flake](http://fluties-flake.livejournal.com/)'s prompt: Haircut.
> 
> Also, I took some liberties with the physical properties of chewing tobacco. Let's just say that Jayne's chewing space chaw from the future and that's why it's so sticky and call it good. :)

 

River's blood-curdling scream startled her brother so badly that he dropped the box full of microscope slides he'd been carefully organizing all morning. Three hours worth of concentration and diligence spilled all over the tile floor as River ran into the room all indignation and rage.

 

“What is it?” Simon asked with a touch of irritation. This was the sixth time this week and he already had a feeling this was related to a certain hulking mercenary with boundary issues.

 

Wide-eyed and trembling, River pointed to her hair where a gob of some unpleasantly brown nastiness clung greasily. “LOOK WHAT HE DID!”

 

Simon wrinkled his nose. “Do I even want to know what that is?”

 

“The baboon was masticating that foul nicotine substance he loves so much and--”

 

“I wasn't _masticatin'_ anything, I was _chewin'_ it and it ain't my fault the mush head decided to stand on her gorram hands like some circus poodle right by the gorram spittoon!” Jayne stormed in just after River but Simon pressed his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to block the rest of the shouting out.

 

“Take it to Mal,” Simon finally said. He opened his eyes and saw River and Jayne pause in their argument. “Go to the captain. Leave me out of it.”

 

“But, Simon....” River's face fell. “You always take care of--”

 

“Stop. I'll break you out of any Alliance building there is but I'm not telling off your schoolyard bully anymore. You're just going to have to do what every employee does when they're not getting along with a colleague. Lodge a complaint with your employer.”

 

River stared at him beseechingly for a moment and then scowled, spinning on her heel and stomping from the room muttering expletives under her breath.

 

“She's your mother, too!” Simon called after her.

 

~*~

Mal stood, arms folded and stared from River to Jayne for several long moments.

 

“So... what is it I'm supposed to do?”

 

River shrugged sulkily. “Simon didn't specify. He just said I had to tell you.”

 

Mal chuckled. “Looks like that boy's finally growing some stones.” When Jayne laughed along, Mal glared at him. “ _Bi zui_.”

 

“Can I kill him with my brain?” River asked hopefully.

 

“Tempting offer, albatross. But no. Jayne, fix River's hair.” The matter closed, Mal turned to leave the room.

 

“Fix... what? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”

 

“Do I look like a hair specialist?” Mal raised an eyebrow. “Figure it out yourself.”

 

Jayne's nostrils flared and he grabbed River's wrist, hauling her out the door after the captain. “Mal, I don't got time for this _go se_. Just gimmie extra chores or somethin', I don't care.”

 

“Oh, I don't thinks so,” Mal said cheerfully as he went down the stairs to the cargo bay. “I think this is the best idea I've ever had. Maybe now you'll take it easy with that chaw o' yours.”

 

Zoe looked up from a crate she was sifting through and sent a hard look Jayne's way. “That reminds me: you still owe me a shirt.”

 

~*~

 

“I remember one time Porter Ensign stuck his bubble gum in my hair when we was in grammar school. Ma used peanut butter to get it out.”

 

“Thanks, Kaylee, I'll just go out to the peanut butter tree and pick some now.”

 

“You don't gotta get all _mean_. I was only sayin'--”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks anyway.”

 

“Besides, peanuts grown in the ground, not on trees.”

 

“Shut up, moonie.”

 

~*~

 

“I think I have some oil here that should get that mess out without much trouble...” Inara crossed to the chest at the foot of her bed and started going through it.

 

“Yeah? That them sex oils you Companions use?” Jayne leered .

 

Inara smiled serenely and closed the chest. “As a matter of fact, yes. I forgot myself. There's no way you could afford it.”

 

“But the girl's got gunk in her hair!” Jayne pointed at River who gave Inara her best sad puppy look. For a moment it looked like Inara was wavering but then she stood up and crossed to the shuttle door, opening it for them.

 

“Mal told me you had to handle this yourselves, Jayne. I'm sorry, but maybe this episode will be a little lesson for you two. This is the sixth instance of your inability to--”

 

Jayne brushed rudely by. “If I can't afford the oils I sure as shit can't afford the lecture series. Thanks for nothin', Nara.”

 

~*~

 

Zoe simply handed Jayne a pair of scissors. “I expect those back in the same condition they came in, Jayne. Good luck.”

 

“You're not cutting my hair!” River exclaimed, horror-stricken.

 

Jayne grinned. “Oh yeah I am. Mal said to fix it and that's what I'm gonna do.”

 

“I don't trust you!”

 

“Too bad. You have to.”

 

~*~

 

When everyone found out that Jayne would be giving River a haircut, they all found reasons to be in the common room outside the infirmary, where River had announced the haircut would take place since it was the room with the best lighting. Simon feigned disinterest in the proceedings but peeked up from his slides every so often to make sure Jayne wasn't going to clip River bald.

 

“Looks like he knows what he's doing,” Mal noted with disappointment.

 

“Captain,” Kaylee said disapprovingly. “That's River he's cuttin' on.”

 

“What, and I'm the only one fed up with the all the sniping lately? She ain't the innocent victim in this, Kaylee, no matter what you think. She gives as good as she gets.”

 

Meanwhile, River had her eyes shut tightly, wincing at every SNIP of the scissors. Whenever she worked up the nerve to open her eyes a little, she'd whimper at seeing her dark curls all over the tarp Simon had insisted they put down on the floor. She'd always had long hair. She didn't know how she would look with shorter hair and her hair had always been something to hide behind if she didn't like her surroundings. She intellectually understood that her hair would grow back but with every tendril that slithered down her neck and to the floor, her heart broke a little.

 

“Okay, I'm done.”

 

“That... actually looks good. I'm impressed, Jayne.”

 

“Thanks, Doc. Maybe I'll do yours next.”

 

“I think I'll pass.”

 

“Ooooh, Jayne! Look at how piecey it is in back! Just like those girls in the Sihnon mags Inara got me!”

 

Sihnon? River cracked open her eyes cautiously and looked from an impressed Simon to an ecstatic Kaylee to a smug Jayne. “Can I have a mirror?”

 

Kaylee held up a hand mirror and bounced on her heels, beaming. When River got a good look, a smile spread across her own face as well.

 

The back was layered with little spikes that she knew would curl again once her hair had adjusted to this new short length. She would have to borrow styling gel from Inara at some point. Her favorite part was the front. She still had long strands of hair to hide behind, though of course, they were shorter than they had been this morning, framing her face to the chin instead of hanging past her breasts. Somehow, it was like Jayne knew she needed that front hair more than anything.

 

Looking away from the mirror, River gave Jayne a smile of such sweet gratitude that Jayne had to look away and rub the back of his neck. “I uh. My ma couldn't afford to get her hair did so she always had me cut it for her. I got kinda not bad at it after awhile.”

 

“Thank you, Jayne. I'm glad the tobacco is out.” River ran a hand over her hair and was relieved to find no smelly lumpy patch of nauseous material.

 

“Yeah. I'll uh, be more careful about that.”

 

“And I'll stay away from the spittoon. Does that sound like an amenable plan?”

 

“... yeah, sure.”

 

River stood up and shook bits of hair off of her dress and the back of her neck. “I'll clean up this mess. It's my hair anyway.”

 

“Fair enough.” Jayne cleaned the scissors off at the sink, avoiding looking at anyone.

 

“Jayne?” River knelt to the floor, folding up the tarp.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“When it grows out, can you trim it and make it look like this again?”

 

“Yeah, fine, whatever.” Jayne hurried out the door and handed Zoe the clean scissors with a muttered “Here” before taking off for his bunk.

 

“That really was the best idea I ever had,” Mal said, sounding amazed. “I think we're gonna actually have some damn peace around here for once.”

 

“Yes, you're a regular King Solomon,” Inara said.

 

Mal raised his eyebrows. "You callin' me wise?"

 

"Only until your next mistake." Inara smiled sweetly.

 

Mal chuckled. "Fair enough."


End file.
